Three Reasons Why Being Married is Better than Being Single

I do not judge. Or at least I try not to. But I am convinced, that being married is better than being single. For almost eleven years, I have been married and I can honestly say that very few days – maybe one or two a year – do I wish I was single. Most times it’s a fleeting thought, because eventually I remember these three things and I smile . Then I say “I’m ok.”

1) I have a teammate. Making progress, advancing, should be one of everyone’s primary goals in life. If you’re not going up, you’re going down or staying stagnant and that’s not good. With marriage, ideally, you have a built-in teammate; someone who helps you to win as you help them to win. Collectively and individually. With so much pressure of the world against the everyday-person forcing into combat with ourselves, our family, our jobs, etc, isn’t it better to have a warrior-friend right next to you? Wouldn’t you rather have a teammate than try to do it alone? The adage the “no one makes it alone” is so true. “Making it” is temporary, “enduring, thriving” is eternal.

2) Real talk: when you’re married – and monogamous – you get to have unprotected sex. GUILT-FREE!!!! Now, if you have ever had sex sans a condom, you know there is no comparison between the two. Condoms suck, but they’re necessary for most relationships because most relationships are temporary. Of course you have to protect yourself and your health and life by not exposing your body to harmful possibilities. In marriage, the goal is to be only with your spouse and to be honest with them and never want to hurt them physically or emotionally. Having intimate, passionate sex with no rubber in between is incredible – for both parties – and it allows you to feel closer to each other and confident in your love.

3) Everyday, you have someone who says to you, “I love you.” These three words can make you fly. Your insecurities are temporarily gone, your esteem soars and you can even say it back, “I love you too.” Simple words, powerful meaning. When you are ill or injured, you have someone who will take you to the doctor, help you with your rehab or recovery; you have an emergency contact. That’s real. Loving someone means being there for them. Loving someone means caring enough to swallow pride and sometimes instincts and do what they need versus what you want to do. Loving someone means loving them, hard, even when they do not love themselves.

I am a believer in marriage and I am a believer in love. Yes, single people love hard too, but isn’t nice to have it unconditionally reciprocated?

BFM

Touch

I rub my son’s back exactly the way my mother rubbed mine. I run my fingers along his eyebrows and palm the top of his head with my hand combing forward just like my mother did mine. When I soothe him with my touch, I see her hands: wrinkled, black, elephant-titus-like. Mine. When I kiss my son, I think of how she kissed me – tender, compassionate, promising.

For a man that does not speak to his mother, I do so much like her. For a man who calls himself “The Black Family Man”, it is gravely unfortunate that the communicative lineage begins in the 21^st century. It is. But I cannot reject her influence on how I touch, speak, hear my identical 30-year-younger twin. He is loved, much like I was at his age, and my affection gives him strength and relief.

The Truth

I love the Lord. I love Him and I am proud to say that I am follower of His word. It has taken me too ling to demonstratively say this and I want to say it consistently; everyday, every hour, every minute. For years, I have allowed my own personal need for people to approve of me that I did not declaratively pronounce this love. No mas. I barely talk to these people who I used to think were think were thinking about me! My God is a Mighty and Awesome God, and His Love, His Legacy needs to be evident in me.

In order for me to be the Black Family Man that he has ordered me to be, I must show order in my life. Obedience. Worship. Evangelism. Admittedly, I am not terribly comfortable with evangelism but that is only today. I am a work in progress, and my Father, My King has placed in my heart the need to bring souls to Him. I am a Black Family Man and for me to live the life that God has allowed me to live, I must exalt His name.

Grace and Peace. Amen.

25 Things About the Black Family Man

1. My father is my best friend and hero. I tell him almost everything. I watch his model more than listen to his advice because, verbally, he does not offer much. Although he is not big in stature or profession, he has taught me plenty about love and responsibility. You’re the best, Pop.

2. I used to be a mama’s boy. Now, my mother and I barely speak. It hurts more than you know.

3. I got married at 25 years old. I met my wife in May 1999, started dating her in September 1999, proposed to her in October 1999 – sans an engagement ring -- and married her in December 1999. We’ve been married for nine years. Although marriage is not easy, it was the best decision of my life. I married her because she is sexy, loves sports, has no peer in the kitchen and, most of all, believes in God. My “church lady” is a bad chick (yes, she’s both) and I want to be married to her forever.

4. I know that my destiny is to be a teacher, writer, author and a lecturer (thanks, Brother Dreer!) I continue to struggle with the transition from one to the next, but it’s coming. I know writers reveal, and I have trouble doing that. Please pray for me.

5. My most glorious fraternity has taught me a lot about friendship. I love the frat and hold our ideals very close to my heart. The experience of pledging and the poems we were taught convince me that anything is possible and that pain is only temporary. I love my line brothers -- A Dying Breed Spr. '96 -- our pearl, Semeka, chapter bruhs, the entire1^st D, some bruhs in NYC and ATL J and especially, Stranded on Deathrow Spr. ’93 TI. Ya’ll raised me. Thank you.

6. My best friend in the whole world is my roommate from boarding school. He was the best man at my wedding and the Godfather to my son.

7. I think about my unborn (unconceived) daughter everyday. She has been my life’s motivation since I was 19 years old. There’s something about being a father to a girl that I find fascinating. Imagine, the chance to mold the perfect woman! Baby Sai (Shereem’s Angel Inspires) will come one day, and when she does, I pray I am able to give her the life she deserves.

8. I am generous and thoughtful. That’s why my wife married me.

9. I remember birthdays better than anyone you know. Test me, ask me yours, and I am willing to put money down that I know it without looking at Facebook. My wife calls me “Calendar Man” because, given enough time, I can tell you what I was doing and wearing on May 7^th, 1988. Seriously.

10. When I become an author, it will be mostly adolescent literature. I fell in love in with reading between the ages of 7-13 and love teaching 7^th graders, It is such an impressionable age and there is often peer pressure NOT to read (you know, be “cool” and “don’t do well in school, that’s nerdy”)

11. Oh yeh, I am a Marvel Comics nerd. I am proud to say that I know almost every character in the Marvel Universe, their power and their origin. Test me.

12. I like the duality of living in Atlanta and working in NYC. The best of both worlds of terms of culture and relationships. Most of my friends are in NYC but my wife, son, home and church are in ATL. Plus people say “good morning.” This is what keeps me grounded and reminds me that the frenetic pace of NYC is not my life; it’s my work and I like NYC money.

13. I do not believe in quick showers. I have a shower regiment that borders on obsessive. In the summer, I may shower three times a day. My feet never stink.

14. I am not a hip-hop head. Despite being from BK, I was never a back-packer, only had one pair of beef and broccoli Tims, and never twisted my hair. I’m too fresh, clean and preppy for all that.

15. With that said, I am not even a huge music lover. It plays a role in my life, but I do my best work in silence. I prefer music about love and like it when women sing. Mary J. Blige, Mary Mary, and Lauryn Hill. To this day, I still believe that Lauryn’s album was the most important and influential album of our generation. Much like Prince’s Sign of the Times in the late 80’s and Songs in the Key of Life and What’s Going On were in the ‘70s. My appreciation of the female voice comes from Angela Bofill. Thanks, mom.

16. Lastly, about music, my hip hop roots are strictly Brooklyn. I don’t like getting into the “greatest ever” debates, but Kane, Big and Jay, are my all-time favorites, are interchangeable in terms of the top spot. Yes, Rakim, KRS and Nas are in my top ten, but three non-New Yorkers are also definitely in my top ten too: Common, Outkast and Cee-lo. Erick and Parrish Making Dollars also belong near the top.

17. I am at my best when I exercise and read scripture in the morning. I am energized and armed to handle anything. When I miss one or both of these, I regret it all day and anticipate having difficulty.

18. My wife and I have three phrases/rules in our house. “Faith, family, friendship”; “no cheatin, no beatin’”; and “We will not lose.” Nine years strong.

19. I am impulsive. Sometimes it works, a lot of time it does not. I need to think about what I say before I say it.

20. I have approval addiction. What people think of me matters. I know it’s wrong and I am working on it.

21. I love chess. I will play anybody, anywhere, at any time. I have never, actually, played online, but I am willing to try. I once lost to a dude in New Orleans playing three people at once. He waxed me, but it was fun.

22. My greatest flaw is my lack of discipline. Whether it is with writing, exercise, eating or reading to my son, I need to be more consistent. Pastor AR Bernard once said that all God expects from us – and all women want from men – is to be “Strong, Decisive and Consistent.” I am working on it.

23. I stay in touch with people who I care about and randomly send them messages of encouragement. I like my friends and I hope you all ride with me until the end.

24. Baseball is my first love. I remember being six years old and finding that being at a baseball game made me happy. I can watch little league baseball all day on a bright summer day. I am so glad that my son shares this with me.

25. And finally, my son. He is my greatest accomplishment. His life, his joy helps me to remember that life is good. Being that we are both Virgos, we are overly sensitive and I wish he wasn’t like me in this respect. However, he is kind, generous and polite, and I like that about him a lot. His acumen and athleticism are uncanny for his age (yes, I am a super proud dad!) and I will encourage him to keep God, grace and guts as the cornerstones of his life forever. Already, he knows that daddy wants him to believe in being an “employer”, not an “employee.” My son is incredible and I love him more than words can describe.

I got the right one, baby!

If you really want to reaffirm how special your wife is and how God specifically designed her for you, bump into your ex-girlfriend. I coincidentally saw my ex a weeks ago and almost immediately got to my knees and said “Thank you God!” for bringing me out of that relationship and into this one. She was wearing sunglasses inside at a kid’s birthday party, with three-inch heel boots and pants with designer holes in them along the length of her legs. On a Sunday. Very music industry, not very maternal. But that’s her, always has been, and that’s what I was attracted to many years ago. And she’s really good at what she does –radio show host – and I genuinely like her as a person. She’s smart, attractive, sassy and ambitious. Many qualities that I liked about her then and like about my wife now. But she’s not for me. I knew it then – even though I fought it – and I reaffirm now. No matter how much fun we had twelve - fifteen years ago; no matter how much we both tried – me more than her – to believe that we were in love and meant to be together; I am so happy that I found my queen. My queen loves God, family and me. She goes to church with me. She has dedicated her life to the rearing of our son. Ex girlfriend is a good girl, no, GREAT girl but just not for me.

Stay thirsty, my friends. For your wife.

Chess, not checkers

My son and I just “played” chess. He’s five, so it was more of a lesson in a game I love, but having the time with him and sharing this sacred art of devising strategy and executing was precious. He was into in; for a few years now – thanks to my wife who bought the starter set – he and I have had short overviews of where pieces can move and how they can take an opponents piece. He remembered more than I thought he would which actually made the game more fun for me. Sure, he has very little concept of knowing how to balance offense and defense, but having this time with him, having him focused and curious, almost brought tears to my eyes. When I had him in checkmate and I extended my hand to shake his – a true gentleman’s game – he hesitantly shook it and wanted to give me a hug. There was a tear in his eye. I thought he was crying because he had lost or was simply tired. He said he was crying because he was happy. He was happy that he was learning.

Now, if I can impart the relevance of chess and its obvious distinction as an allegory for life to my son, I have more than done my job as a parent. Ok, not totally true, but feel me for a minute: I want my kid to think and then execute. I want him to be assertive – not necessarily aggressive. I want him to and understand defense is equally critical as offense. I want him to strategize and have people around him who have different reasons or purposes in his life. He needs to play his position and understand that everybody else has a role. Some are foot soldiers (pawns), some are generals (rooks, knights, bishops), and the queen, THE QUEEN, is most important and powerful piece he needs to be successful. A good queen will stand by his side. A good queen will devour any opponents who steps in his path. A good queen will sacrifice herself and he should reciprocate. Love her and protect her at all costs.

Father. God.

My father never took me to church. His brother, my uncle, was an Archdeacon in the Episcopalian denomination and they both grew up in the church, but my father – at least to my perception – had no immediate connection to God. Whether he prayed or not, by himself, I do not know. What I do know, however, has that between the ages of about 8-12, he would wake me up every Sunday, make me breakfast, help me to tie a tie, put a few dollars in my pocket and send me off to Sunday school. He would watch me from our house as I walked diagonally across the street to Bridge Street AME church.

I don’t remember being bitter, necessarily, about it then but I might be now. Where was the parental leadership in following God? My father’s example of at least getting up and making breakfast was more than I could say for my mother. She usually called for me to wake up – never leaving her own bed – but did not budge. She was a Saturday-night-owl and usually came home as the sun was coming up. That’s another issue all together.

I do remember asking my father a few times why he and mommy never went to church. Not even on Easter. His response was: “I grew up in church and now it’s your turn to learn about God and decide for yourself what you believe.” Hmmm…. Not sure I bought it then and I definitely know that as I write it now, it is troubling. I have very few complaints about my dad and how he reared me and the example he showed (and still shows) but this one, admittedly, is baffling. You do not put a child in the ocean and tell him to swim; you teach him. If my parents wanted me to learn about God and still draw my own conclusions, they should have taught me their own interpretations. They should have read the Bible with me and explained things the best they could. They should have showed me that effort and faith and discipline were essential for loving God. Maybe if they had, I would not still be so confused and waffle so much. My spiritual foundation is weak.

And, admittedly, I am not consistently doing this for my son. This has to change. The Word of God is the sole necessity we have in this world. It provides us with our two fundamental human characteristics and beliefs: love and faith. How can I NOT share that with my son? I do my best to follow my dad’s example of hard work and responsibility every day and I know I must take a greater step and show courage and discipleship in order to raise my son to be the Godly king/leader he was placed on this planet to be.