Mommy I

My wife told me tonight that I always have something derogatory to say about women. She said that I am always making comments like “she’s only with him because he has money” or “she’s been around. Who would want used goods?” Now, admittedly, I am overly judgmental of women and how they navigate the world and deal with men. I firmly believe that the love that I have with my wife is rare: I love her – almost unconditionally – and I hope I never lose her trust or companionship. But look at most women and assume that they have ulterior motives; that they shouldn’t be trusted and more often than not, are unhappily in relationships and will jump at the first chance for something more comfortable and profitable.

Most people assume this about men too and I don’t refute that. But I have accepted that I have a double standard that I can neither defend nor justify. It just is what it is. Men sleep around and women should not. Sorry. It’s my intellectual versus carnal contradiction that I am okay with.

I assume much of my issues around women surround my mother and what and who I always wanted her to be. (Doesn’t it always go back to the mothers?) I have heard that we are forever seeking what we did not get from our mothers and, for me, that is probably stability and honesty. Yes, I believe my mother cheated on my father. Probably physically and definitely emotionally. And because of this and many other issues revolving around dishonesty, she and I do not speak. We will save that conversation for another post.

However, before and throughout my marriage, all I ever wanted was a daughter. I have an incredible son; he’s cute, charming, smart, affectionate and loves sports just like his old man. Yet, I want more. A baby girl. When I was nineteen and feeling very alone in this world, I dreamed of having a little girl with whomever and all I would ask is that I live across the street. Because of parent’s divorce, I was unsure if I would ever get married – how could I trust – but I knew I wanted a child. A daughter. But instead I found a queen, who I trust 97% of the time and we have been together for over ten years. Our love is rare, it’s genuine and evolving. I love my wife more now than I ever have and that’s because she’s a good woman. And she likes me, which is saying a lot since I am not sure I would want to marry myself.

Every time I want to post a new entry, I ask myself “is this the time that the self-proclaimed ‘Black Family Man’ is going to reveal that he may hate his mother? How can a ‘Family Man’ be at odds with the person who birthed him, inspired him, taught him so much? What kind of man does not speak to his mother?!!!!”

I am what I am. Black Family Man. Living everyday for my Lord, my wife and my son. No, not for me. And not for my mother. Oh yeh, but I also live for my unconceived daughter who I hope I can mold into the perfect woman and replace the female blood lineage that makes me suspicious of anyone with estrogen.