Pre-Nup or Not?

This is complicated…………….…….

When my line brother was weeks away from his wedding day, he told me that he had his soon-to-be-wife sign a pre-nup.  I laughed and asked why would he marry a woman who he thought he might divorce?  His reply was swift and punctual: “I have a child (not with the then-fiancé) and mother who I take care of. She can’t have their money.”

His response made sense. However, I was, and still am, bothered by the notion of outlining the parameters of an impending divorce.  Whatever happened to “til do us part”?  Are we not getting married with the expectation that this is my LIFE partner? Sorrowfully, it has now become (in my best Andre 3000 from “Ms. Jackson” voice) “Forever? Forever, ever, forever, ever???!!”  We are questioning our spouses and our collective ability to lead fruitful and happy lives together by injecting “rules of protection.”  Too many of us are predicting a future that, ultimately, we do not have any control over. Yes, divorce is on the rise and very real, but to “protect” yourself from it (or for it) seems like the marriage and wedding day is disingenuous. 

Maybe this is easy for me to say because I was twenty-five when I got married and I had nothing. My line brother and other friends of mine, male and female, in their thirties and forties, have assets and six-figure salaries that they covet. I understand, I guess, but I honestly do not want to be married to someone who I need protection from.  I want to be open with my heart, mind and bank account.  I want to be transparent.  And if something arises in my marriage where I make a costly mistake (infidelity or abuse) that makes my wife want to leave me, I think I owe her, at least, some of my earthly belongings. 

I say this knowing other couples who have split without having children and one pays the other alimony. This I do not agree with. Two people, both capable of working to live, should be able to support themselves. Child support is a no-brainer, and should be paid out to the primary caregiver of the child or children.   But a pre-nuptial agreement is a template for marital dissolution and despite it’s often apparent importance, I prefer to live towards the ideal.  Call me naïve, but also call me committed. If my wife and I fail at this, I hope we are above fighting over “stuff.”  I know divorce can be ugly, so instead believe in marriage and make it beautiful.